Many of us have this habit of crying during an argument. Irrespective of how strong your logic is, how well-reasoned you sound, whenever you have a fight with your boyfriend, you just can’t stop crying.
Experts believe that tears have a purpose; they communicate when our words fail. We usually cry when –
– We get shocked at hearing something terrible.
– Being empathetic to our loved one.
– We get angry at being falsely accused by our partner.
Many times women get frustrated at their boyfriend when they don’t react to seeing her cry. You feel bad because you love and care for him so much, and he fails to comfort you when you need him the most.
You wonder, if he is unable to see the tears coming out of your eyes, is it so hard for him to empathize with your pain?
Your loved one’s apparent insensitivity makes you feel terrible in the relationship. But is he really being insensitive? In this blog, we talk about how you can encourage your boyfriend to be more supportive in situations when you need him the most.
How to Discuss this Topic with Your Boyfriend?
Firstly, you need to find out if there are times when you think your boyfriend is very supportive of you? Do you often see him offering you emotional support? Because it may be possible that he only shies away from comforting you when he sees you cry.
It will not be a bad idea to discuss this situation with him. You can tell him how you appreciate him giving emotional support. For instance, you can start by saying – “I was so sad and depressed last month when I didn’t get the raise I was expecting from so long, it felt so nice when you showed up for me and comforted me with just the right words.”
If he responds positively, you can tell him about the confusion; for example, you can say – “I wonder why you ignore me when I cry? It confuses me when I don’t see any reaction from you?. I know you truly love and care for me, but I often find your reactions to be totally cold.”
When you try to inquire this way, it can help you better understand what is going on. Focus on being non-confrontational with him; your sole objective should be to seek help from your boyfriend in understanding his perspective.
Do let him know how much you appreciate it when he offers his emotional support. Tell him you are just asking why he doesn’t react when he sees you crying.
Below are a few common reasons why your boyfriend doesn’t react when you cry-
1. He Has A Different Perception About Crying.
Many men find it challenging to deal with emotional trauma in a relationship. Maybe he has a different perception of tears. When he sees you cry, he may be trying to emotionally push you away because of his own fear.
It could be because of the gender stereotypes he may have gone through emotional trauma growing up. For instance, – Maybe, at a younger age, he was shamed and ignored by his own family for crying too often. As an adult, now, he has developed a strong belief that tears are unimportant, unnecessary, and wrong.
2. He Finds It Hard To Control Tears.
When you start crying during arguments and heated moments, he may choose to shut down or shut you down. It is because he is feeling vulnerable. He is struggling to control his tears.
In a relationship, sometimes, it is essential to look at things from a broad perspective. For instance – Imagine a situation where two of you are saying hurtful things to each other during an argument, and suddenly you are all sobby.
You see your boyfriend shaking his head and walking away. Maybe he is going through the same amount of pain, but he is very uncomfortable crying in front of you. It doesn’t necessarily mean that he doesn’t care or he is trying to avoid you.
If a man expresses himself through crying, he is seen as unmanly and weak in our society due to the gender stereotype. Every now and then, phrases like – “man up, don’t be mama’s boy, be a real man,” “big boys don’t cry” will be thrown at them. It belittles their self-worth making them feel they are inadequate. They are always taught that men must show restraint and emotional toughness.
By telling them not to cry, People wrongly believe that they are actually preparing their boys for the real world and protecting them from being judged by others. On the other hand, when a woman cries, it is seen as socially acceptable. People will try to comfort her instead of stopping them.
However, thankfully, there has been a positive change in how we see masculinity in recent times. We have started to acknowledge that expressing emotions through crying is not strictly a feminine concept.
3. He Sees Tears As A Sign Of Manipulation.
Your boyfriend might see it as if you are making a last-ditch effort to manipulate him. He may be thinking that your tears are not real. Maybe, when he was in a relationship with his ex, he learned that some girls use tears as a tool to guilt their boyfriends to get what they want.
When women cry, many men have this tendency to wrongly see it as a sign of emotional blackmail. This wrong belief encourages men to ignore their partners when they need them the most.
For instance- Maybe in his past relationship, he saw his ex crying whenever she wasn’t getting things done her way. Whenever he told him he wouldn’t see her after work, she would start crying. And to make her feel better, he will always make extra efforts to oblige to her request.
Soon he realized that her ex was not actually sad, but she manipulated him to get things done her way. So, because of his unfortunate past experiences, he turns off his emotions whenever he sees you sobbing.
4. He May Be Trying To Fix The Problem.
When it looks like that your boyfriend doesn’t seem to care that you are crying, in some situations, it can be a sign that he is trying to make you feel better.
Rather than getting emotional himself, his first reaction is to somehow stop the tears. You may be expecting him to comfort and care for you, while for him, the best solution seems to be to ignore the problem and help you get over it.
Below are some other possible reasoning that men may give –
a. “I am actually helping by letting you get it out of your system”
It’s a proven fact that many times crying makes you feel better, it –
– Improves mood
– Helps in self-soothing
– Ease physical and emotional pain
– Restores emotional balance
b. “I feel inadequate and helpless seeing you in tears”
c. “I don’t know how to comfort you when you are crying”
Your boyfriend has developed this belief that it doesn’t matter what he does; he will not be able to make you feel any better. In a situation like this, it will not be a bad idea if you clearly guide him on what would comfort you when you are crying (hugs, cuddling, assurance, or some undivided attention)
Sometimes men don’ fully realize till the time you spell it out. Just let them know that there are some easy and healthy ways to comfort you when you cry. Just seeing them making efforts sometimes make you feel immensely reassuring.
When you try to help your boyfriend learn how to be more comforting with you, it will help you strengthen the relationship. It also improves the communication between you two, When he is receptive to your concerns and willingly engages in finding a better solution to the problem.